In Her Shoes
- rachelntillman
- Oct 12, 2020
- 5 min read
She sat across from me with tears and a severely swollen, bruised eye no amount of makeup could cover-up. I knew this meeting was not by chance, but instead, a God-ordained opportunity provided to me to speak love and truth into this young woman’s life. Sweet friend, if there was ever an opportunity to open up with genuine honesty and transparency regarding my past, this was it. I did not pretend to know all the things she endured daily or indicate our stories were the same. I simply empathized with and acknowledged the fear that gripped her, the ache in her heart, the shame she was covering herself in, and the change she so desperately craved to see from the husband she loved.
I imagined her at home, living out her daily routine, and doing what is necessary to help keep the peace. The good days drifting further away and the exhaustion of living a lie to her family and friends taking its toll. Flinching at the smallest touch, pleading to not make a scene, and drowning in the instability of emotions. Too often cleaning up the physical destruction and shattered pieces of her self-worth, while looking in the mirror unable to find the girl she once was and the woman she has become. The dispirited look in her eyes and shake in her voice is one all too familiar. “You were made for so much more,” I say; praying not only does she hear these words but believes them to be true.
Domestic violence, also referred to as intimate partner violence, is one of those things we hear about but until experienced on a personal level, the heaviness of it doesn’t fully resonate. Being a survivor of domestic violence has helped open my eyes and has given me great empathy for other fellow victims/survivors; it has also sparked a passion to help advocate for these individuals/families in my professional life. Domestic violence affects millions, both women and men, of every race, religion, culture, and economic status. Sweet friend, domestic violence is not always bruises and black eyes, it can also be verbal, emotional, sexual, and economic. Abusers vary in the manner in which they abuse but all of them utilize some form of control, manipulation, coercion, isolation, and even threats.
As a social worker in a pediatric emergency department, who also assists in the adult emergency department at times, I come across my fair share of domestic violence cases. These cases can vary in degree of safety but one thing I am always aware of is there tendency to escalate. As a past survivor, I want to ensure the safety of my patients and families, so I attempt to identify abuse patterns, ask specific questions that highlight a false narrative, and provide realistic options for improving safety. At the same time sweet friend, I must be aware that my role has limits, that my story is not their story, and that I cannot make their choices for them. My role is to meet them where they are with love and compassion, to equip them with resources, to speak truth, and pray for them.
Surprisingly many of my coworkers have no idea about the past abusive marriage I was in, not because I am embarrassed or ashamed but because that is not my entire story; just a portion. With time, I have come to realize that most of our domestic violence cases frequently have a recurring response from coworkers on the outside looking in...“Why does she stay?” They find it very difficult to understand why someone would CHOOSE to subject themselves to abuse; even my husband has asked me this question when he hears about the cases I am presented with. I do not pretend to be an expert in this but I do feel as a survivor I have insight. I personally chose to stay in an emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive relationship for 5 years, which then escalated to a coercive, financially, and physically abusive marriage for almost 2 years.
Sweet friend, we cannot address what we do not acknowledge. Denial is a liar and a good one at that, so there are those of us who buy into the lie that we are not victims. Shame is also a liar and can keep one silent, hiding in the shadows. Tragically, some victims have experienced some form of abuse their entire life and have no idea that does not have to be their normal. For some victims, it is the dependency on their abuser for basic life necessities and their abuser reminds them daily of those dependencies and how they cannot survive without them. Then you have those who have children with their abusers and for them, that is a whole other layer of control their abuser utilizes; they fear they will lose their children if they leave or speak out. And then some feel if they can just love their abuser enough, that love will change them. Here is the truth, only God can change someone’s heart, and that person must come to a genuine place of acknowledgment and repentance and see their need for a Savior.
It is difficult to pinpoint all my reasons for staying silent and in my abusive relationship the length of time I did. Perhaps it was the image I was so fearful to expose, the embarrassment of thinking I had allowed this to happen, or knowing I did not consider divorce to always be an option. I clung to the change I desperately wanted to see and at times did, but always short-lived. I slowly became numb to the chaos, the threats, the isolation, and the numerous moves. But one day changed it all and as difficult as that one day was, I am forever grateful for it. God gave me the strength to recognize the truth of my situation and the courage, to be honest, and vulnerable with my loved ones. Secrecy is lonely companionship but honesty produces growth and genuine fellowship.
I realize my story is RARE. Sweet friend, by the grace of God it took me only ONE time to leave my abusive marriage, for many it takes multiple times of leaving. Unfortunately leaving is when these types of relationships become the most dangerous and is when the most support is needed. I can look back and see the hand of God over my life and the protection He provided to me during that time. I had family, friends, and church community who did ALL they knew how to pour into me and help keep me safe. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it is for those individuals who do not have the support needed in these situations. That is why I am so grateful to domestic violence shelters who can provide a safe haven to these individuals/families in need. I am also grateful to places that provide free counseling services to abuse victims/survivors because we are all entitled to a safe place to acknowledge and address what we have endured.
Psalm 18:16-19 tells us, “He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
Sweet friend, October is one of my favorite months. It is when leaves start to change colors, temperatures start to cool down, football season amps up, and it is also the month I married my sweet husband; one of the greatest gifts the Lord has bestowed on me. October is also the month devoted to shedding light on domestic violence, as it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). As a survivor, I never want to miss an opportunity to speak up and advocate for these victims/survivors as well as raise awareness, because every victim deserves to become a survivor! Linked below is the Center for Violence Prevention and Catholic Charities in Mississippi that both do wonderful work in combating domestic violence and other injustices. Also linked is The Wellspring in Louisiana that provided support to me during a time I needed it most. Check them out for more information.
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