Choosing to Forgive

She had not made the best choices in her life but here she was, sober, present, and doing all she knew how to be a better mother to her teenage son. As an in-home therapist at the time, I had been working with this family for a while and although progress had been made I could still see the anger that lingered in her son’s heart. Any argument that ensued between them he would use as a weapon reminding her of who she USED to be and all the wrongs she had committed. After these arguments there she would sit, tearful in the company of her shame and past wrongdoings. “I don’t think he will ever forgive me,” she said as I sat across from her later that day.

After our meeting, I took her son for a walk in the trailer park they lived in. We did this quite often but today would be different. Before we began our walk I looked at him and made an odd request, “I’m gonna need you to pick up and stuff your pockets with as many gravel rocks as you can!” He looked at me as though he wasn’t sure he had heard me correctly. I said, “You heard me, pick up and place as many rocks as you can in your pockets.” Although he gave me that “Ms. Rachel you crazy” teenage look, he complied with my request. With his pockets loaded down, so much so that he had to hold up his shorts, we set out on our walk. As time passed I would allow him to throw out a few of the rocks his pockets were carrying. By the end of our walk, he finally had his pockets emptied. How was it having to walk with all of those rocks in your pockets, I asked him. “Hard, they had me weighed down” he answered. BINGO!!!

You see sweet friend, these rocks were a loose representation of this young boy’s past hurt, anger, and resentment that he continued to hold on to like a security blanket. Whether he realized it or not it was weighing him down and preventing him from moving forward in freedom. He genuinely loved his mother but until he could forgive her there would be no growth in their relationship. I know this all too well from personal experience! After being free from my abusive marriage I was hurt, angry, and bitter! Was it normal to be feeling all these things? Absolutely, yes! But I knew I could not stay in that place. Being free from my abusive marriage was not enough, I had to break free of something else….unforgiveness. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t instantaneous. This took time and SO MUCH effort but through Jesus, my heart was finally moved to forgiveness, not only for my abuser but for myself; which believe it or not was the hardest part for me.

Forgiveness is not just a choice, it is a command to us as believers. Colossians 3:13 tells us, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” And in Matthew 6:15 we are told the result of unforgiveness, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Sweet friend, forgiveness is NECESSARY for our spiritual growth. When we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts it quenches the Holy Spirit and causes strife in our relationships; including our relationship with God. So how are we able to offer forgiveness? Acts 13:38 tells us, “Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.” Because JESUS has forgiven us; it is by HIM and through HIM we can extend forgiveness to ourselves and others.

Now let me be very clear about a few things. First, forgiveness is NOT contingent on the offender asking for forgiveness. We are to extend forgiveness whether it is asked for or not. Second, forgiveness does NOT mean you are excusing harmful actions or staying in a harmful, abusive, unhealthy relationship. And third, forgiveness does not always mean we reconcile with the person who hurt and cause harm to us. Reconciliation implies repentance and turning away from sin/evil desires. So if a victimizer is genuinely unwilling to do that, reconciliation is not always possible. By the end of my abusive marriage, there was no indication that my ex-husband was genuinely remorseful or willing to change his abusive tendencies, so although I forgave him I could no longer safely stay married to him.

Forgiveness is not always an easy choice but with God it is possible. Sweet friend, if you are here reading this and like me, you have struggled with accepting the forgiveness of your Heavenly Father, as well as forgiving yourself for past/present choices; please know there is no sin too great for HIM. In Luke 7:36-50, we learn of an unnamed “sinful” woman who sought out Jesus in the house of a Pharisee. In all of her brokenness she presented to Him what she had; an alabaster jar of perfume, an abundance of tears due to the life she had been living, and a heart that recognized her need for a SAVIOR. At the end of the chapter, we find where Jesus tells her that her sins are forgiven, that her faith saved her, and to go in peace. Sweet friend, JESUS wants to offer the same grace to you, the question is, will you let Him?